I am ready for today to start and ready for A NEW DAY!Yesterday was a rough day for me (actually the past few days I have had some rough patches). Sometimes it is a good thing that I work from home but sometimes it is not so good. I have a lot of "down time" and that leaves my brain to wander and that is NOT good. I start to think about things that I should not think about. I start wondering about the adoption (of course) and start thinking negatively because that is the kind of person that I am.
I wonder about all kinds of things.....
* Will someone really decide to give us their child?
* Why would someone choose us over anyone else?
* What makes our profile stand out over anyone elses?
* Will I be able to be a good mother or not?
* Am I going to have enough patience as a mom?
* Will we be ready when the time comes (whenever that is)?
All of these things run through my mind and TONS more and then I start getting down on myself and the situation. I KNOW that it will all work out but sometimes it is just hard when it is out of our control COMPLETELY and we have to just sit back and wait, and wait and wait. This is the hardest part. We want to be excited and we want to get prepared but we don't want to get overly excited and then be let down. And we don't want to have a nursery all set up and ready to go and have that waiting, and waiting and waiting too. It is a hard balance and we just don't have it right yet I guess. Some days we do and we are fine, but other days it just hits me and I realize that there is nothing that I can do but just BE and that is very hard for me to do.
Above all I know that the Lord has a plan and that it will all work out but this is a huge test of my FAITH. Some days I pass and some days I honestly don't. I wish I could say that I passed everyday and that it was a breeze for me, but it is not. It is a struggle, but it is much easier than it use to be before we made the wonderful decision to adopt. Now we are just waiting for that great reward and that is the hard part. He is teaching me and I am trying to learn but I am stubborn and I know that. I am grateful for this new day and for every new day that I get to start over and the chance that I have to learn new things about myself and what is to come and to be ready to be a mother and I hope it will make me a better one!
7 comments:
Hugs to you! Negative thoughts are so easy to let slip, but they're just so poisonous... it's easy to tell yourself to just be positive, but in reality it's really, really hard. Keep the faith sistah! *B
Oh, Aranne! That sounds so, so, so hard, especially the lack of control part. The not knowing, the waiting...wow, you are a saint and a magnificent woman in my estimation just for remaining sane! Hugs and hugs and all our love!
i'm telling you check out that blog i sent you, go through her tags. it might be helpful to read someone's thoughts that have gone through all this before you. btw love the song on the blog... it's one of my favs.
Don't be too hard on yourself, you have to let yourself feel the way you feel without thinking it's wrong. You've been at rock bottom and so now, the only way is up, right? Making negative thoughts into something positive isn't easy but it sounds like you are getting there. The hard times will only make you stronger, so whenever that baby comes, you and Dan will be ready for it and breeze through parenthood. You're a strong person, and very stubborn, so keep on being that and it will be rewarded, I'm so sure of that! We're thinking of you and sending our support all the way. XXXX
I know you will have a baby one day. Of course you will silly. The hard part is knowing when. But I know you will. I can't imagine how hard the waiting stage would be. But I'm glad your faith is strong enough to get you through it. I will keep praying for you. We really love you guys and I know you will be the best parents ever. I'm glad you wrote down your feelings. When you do have a little one finally you can read back on this and remember how you felt.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts. It is natural to have dark thoughts sometimes, especially when it comes to things that are important to one. Don't be to hard on your self, you have come a long way getting involved in the adoption center (don't remeber what it's called) and you have such a nice adoption profile on the web so it's only a matter of time now. One day you will get that call telling you that you will have a little one. I know you will be the best parents ever!
Robert and I want to let you guy's know that we don't know anyone more deserving then you two to have a baby. We know in our hearts that you guys would make the most wonderful parents. Yes the waiting is hard (it's hard for us too!) but in the end Aranne, you and Dan are going to have the most precious gift anyone could ever recieve and it will be well worth the wait. We love you guy's so much and we are here to support you through this and any other challenge that may come up. Just keep the faith and the Lord close to your heart. Heavenly Father has a most wonderful plan for you, just keep believing and soon you will see everything will fall into place as it should. We love you!
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